I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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