I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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