i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
