there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
