so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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