i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
