Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
