I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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