I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
