i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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