Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
