You're my little dorito
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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