I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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