how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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