Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
