Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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