I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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