i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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