also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
