i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
