I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
