I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
