yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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