I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
