a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
