I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
