Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize