I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
