Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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