I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
