Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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