I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
