And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
