I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
