last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
