Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
