I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
