you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
