he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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