All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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