I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
