Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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