Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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