The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's never too late to be topless.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
