dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
