even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
