but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
