Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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