I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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