I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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