I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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