Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
