I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Acid is not a monday night drug
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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