soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She has the best kind of daddy issues
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
