You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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