like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
