So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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