Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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